I lie awake, the minutes after turning out my light, brain active, anticipating the drawing shade of sleep. I took Lorazepam, a mild narcotic. It numbs my brain, silences the concerns that shake me awake in the early hours of tomorrow. Sleep feels unlikely. I wait for the medicine to dissolve. I wait for my cat to come. My mind, busy checking through a list of obsessions planning to disrupt my night, to make me miserable—Did I forget to plan for a meeting this week? Are my kids social enough? Can we afford to replace our ancient couch? I send thought-waves into my darkened room, telepathy, beckoning my cat.
Usually he comes. Tonight, he does. The room is cold. I’m buried beneath my covers, the sheet pulled over my ear and balding crown like a hood, the comforter bunched over my shoulder and under my chin, my hands tucked beneath the pillow. Nothing exposed to the chill save a tiny swath of face. I feel his presence an instant before he hits the bed, then, gentle pressure on the mattress, a delicacy and grace reserved for Ninjas and felines. Purring, he settles beside my head expecting attention, petting.
Caressing the cat, my thoughts evaporate, my worries fade, my brain begins to turn off for the night, each lobe shutting down, one after another, until only a pilot light still burns. I rub his neck, his ears, his chest, whichever part he moves within reach of my one hand popping from under the covers. He circles once, looking for a contour to welcome his shape. He settles down on top of my hand. Seconds later, I’m asleep.
The Other Stuff 
Oh, you make me miss my cat. These days I don’t lie down until I am exhausted. Nicely done, Jeff.
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Like all of your work, I found this immersive. Though I’m allergic to cats, I find the same sort of mental unclenching when I pet my dog .(Though he is 90 pounds of golden retriever fluff, sitting by my head would be a suffocation issue on both weight and fur fronts.)
I share the challenge of quieting the engine of my mind, sometimes stuck in a broken, repetitive rhythm. I don’t always have much success in tripping the sensors to stop their endless repetition. But I’m very happy you’ve found yours.
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Which one, the Lorazepam or the cat? They are both effective. I’m thinking of giving up the Lorazepam. I’ve been taking nightly it for 6 years.
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The cat for sure. I’ve never taken Lorazepam. I don’t even like taking Tylenol PM. But sometimes my poor brain needs a break!
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Love this! x
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Thank you!
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My dog sleeps curled up in my arms every night, and going to sleep with her is the best feeling.
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It’s all that unconditional love. They never judge. When my mood is foul, the cat is more likely to come.
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Nothing like the feeling of a critter to bring some feelings of calm. I used to take ambien nightly until a couple of months ago. I have this fear I’ve walked down to the lobby of my hotels in my pajamas to grab a snack. I’ll never know cuz I’ll never ask! 😂😂. (I travel every week for work). I have also had DEEP conversations I’ll never remember. I feel so much better not taking it, but it served a purpose to get me over a stressful hump in my life. No regrets.
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Hmm, timely. I realized last night that the Lorazepam pill I take nightly is probably substance abuse. It was prescribed five years ago and I haven’t had a night without it since. I decided last night (after I already took the pill) to go a few nights without it to see what happens.
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