I’m going to live forever. I’ve written that before. Five years ago when I was a shiny new blogger, fit, coasting in an easy job, spending at least eight hour per week writing, immortality looked like a good idea. My kids were younger, less complicated; my relationships were better, I still had friends. I couldn’t see a reason to slow down, I decided I would never stop.
This morning, while working on my back, some cold facts smacked me like a pie in the face. Next week I’m going to be fifty-seven. In thirty years, I’ll be eighty-seven. Eighty-seven is the end of the road. My father is eighty-eight. He’s in great health–for an eighty-eight-year-old, but still every conversation starts with the disclaimer “Not that I’ll be around to see it…” I see my expiration date, it’s 2049.
I’ve made a pretty big swing in the past five years; I’m feeling pretty mortal. Part of it is my back. In June, preparing for a book sale at work, I lifted a hundred boxes of books from the floor to various table tops. Once delivered, volunteers sorted the books by categories, lined them up by size and color, made the spines easy to read for the hundreds of shoppers expected over the next three days. Lift with your legs, they said. Well I never have before, and I never had a problem. After three hours of labor, I headed into work to do the accounting tasks they actually pay me to do.
The next day, cleaning my cat box at home, I went to the garage to grab the five-gallon bucket full of litter. Every time I hoist one of these things into my cart at Walmart, I wonder how frail old women deal with these things. I can lift them, but I don’t like to lift them. They keep getting larger, heavier.
After dropping off the litter tub next to the cat box, I went to grab the vacuum. And that’s when it happened. Those boxes from the day before planted a time bomb. Something was ready to be out of whack, I just needed to move the right way to activate it. And since mid-June, my back has slowly been healing. And I’ve slowly been adding exercises to my morning routine to help strengthen it. Face down on the floor, raising opposing arm and leg combinations, I realized I’m not sure I even want to live thirty years.
In the past five years, I’ve gone from turning the TV up a click or two to help me hear, to not being able to understand the other half of the conversation while I’m wearing hearing aids. While watching TV as a family—Brooklyn Nine-Nine right now—we’ve given up trying. Eli turns on the subtitles before I even ask.
Recently, I’m becoming more aware of my surroundings, or at least what I’m missing from my surroundings. Once an avid cyclist, I barely ride a bike any more. A couple of weeks ago, it hit me. I don’t like to ride because I can’t hear. When wearing hearing aids, I just hear the rushing of the wind going by my head; without hearing aids, I don’t know if a car is behind me. If I extrapolate the hearing loss of the past five years over the next thirty, I’m going to be stone deaf.
Back in my twenties with a full head of hair but an obviously receding hairline, I didn’t fret. Modern medicine was, well, modern. This baldness problem would certainly be solved in the next twenty or thirty years. Well, I’m astounded to say it wasn’t. And I’m sort of shocked they can’t fix my hearing with something akin to Lasik.
I’ve been reading recently about some improvements in hearing aids. First and foremost, the pair I shelled out over two thousand bucks for in 2016 is now about twelve hundred. Eli has a great take on this: “Those hearing aids aren’t more sophisticated than your phone, and that only cost you two hundred dollars.” He’s got a point; they’re taking me to the cleaners. My take on this. Everyone likes to scam old people. Look around, who’s wearing those hearing aids anyway?
Apparently, there are new programs that can be uploaded to my hearing aids that will give me more directional control and more noise cancelling capability. Tomorrow, I have an appointment at Costco (yes, according to Consumer Reports, Costco is the place with the best service and the best deals). I’m certain they will try to make a sale, just as I’m determined to improve the hearing aids I already have. But I’ll listen to what they say, possibly I’ll get an upgraded model.
With my expiration date still thirty years away, I’d like to fix this problem so I can enjoy my remaining days. And wouldn’t it be awesome if I could hear well enough to want to live forever?
The Other Stuff 
I’ve done PT for my lower back and SI joint pain for years. I wish I could say it helped, but it has not so far. I’m getting new orthotics in the hope that I might get some relief that way.
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I would think that muscle book may help you figure out what might be pressing on your SI nerve. That’s the exact sort of thing I use it for. Hope it improves. Chronic pain is a horrible thing to live with.
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Just got my copy. Exactly what I need.
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I truly hope it helps.
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I hear this! Thanks, Jeff.
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Thank YOU!
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Jeff, I love your writing. Your post is validating, funny and wise. I can relate very much and I feel comforted in resonating with you in the mystery of aging. Life is a trip.
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Thank you so much Judy. At times I was wondering if humor was coming through. So many ironic/funny things come about because of hearing loss, it’s almost impossible not to have a sense of humor about it. Aging…blah.
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You’re welcome Jeff. In my opinion I think the funniest, most interesting writing is often delivered in a straightforward way and the ironies of life come through. I find the humor in life when the reality of things is highlighted. Aging is hilarious on many levels, I also find it comforting to know we’re all experiencing these changes or will someday. Better to laugh than cry over it! 😊
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That’s a good attitude. I should work harder to embrace that.
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Good luck with your hearing aid appointment. Hope you find something that helps. Back issues are no joke. When I was in my twenties I wanted to convince Bob I could still go across the monkey bars. With all my swinging, I slipped something in my back. Now the slightest wrong move has me down and out for a couple of days. I go to gym classes now every day and it’s all about strength training. Lifting. I’m so terrified I am going to whack it (or a knee) out. It is all about form.
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Sounds like the time Susan tried to jump rope while standing on the balance beam emulating something we saw in the circus. She fell hard. We were all shocked she didn’t break her leg. I already know this, a strong core is the best defense against feeling old. I just let myself go. I’m getting it all back quickly.
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Your well-written post reminds me of sage advice my father frequently gave me as he entered those “golden years” and dealt with similar challenges: Growing old isn’t for sissies. (I think the quote is attributed to Bette Davis.) He lived to 85, so I think he knew whereof he spoke.
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1) Thank you for the compliment, and
2) Your father and Betty Davis are right, aging is hard work.
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This post really hits home with me, unfortunately. I’m 52 and, knock on wood, never even had the chickenpox, never spent a day in the hospital except to cast a broken bone. I never gave my health much thought except to think that it i would just continue on in exactly the same health into my 90s and beyond. At 52, I’m experiencing incredible hair loss as well, which for a woman is even more devastating. There is no explanation for my loss so no cure. I’m a rabid trail runner here in CO and have been told I either need arthroscopy or a new hip. Little nagging tingles / pains I now wonder if they are harbingers of bigger, more serious things. I see mortality whereas I never thought of it at all before. Of course, I was going to live forever too. The mid-life crisis thing is real. For me it’s real because I’ve had an amazing life and don’t ever want anything to change. I’m trying so hard to not count years but to live in each current moment, to really stop and take in the beauty of nature, the little things in life that make me smile. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in my thoughts about getting older.
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I didn’t know there was anyone at the lifebus besides Pam. I hear you about aging. But I was a chronically injured runner at 35 so I stopped. At 48 I did a complete reboot of everything I know about running and have run almost injury free for 9 years (well except for PF). Don’t give up. I tell all aging runners to get “the concise book of muscles”. It shows where the run and attach to bones and how to stretch them. Those aches and pains all have a cause and usually it’s tight muscles. I hope you can get past the hip without surgery.
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Unfortunately my hip deal is congenital, it’s called femoral acetabular impingement syndrome so at some point I will have to have surgery to shave down the part of the femoral head that’s impinging. My cartilage and everything else is apparently amazing so kind of a real bummer because trail running is my sanity. Oh well, what ya do. Keep on keepin’ on. Cheers, Lexi
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Ignore that Pam part of my comment. I was confusing another blogger
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LOL.
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I was literally two sentences into this post when my husband said, “I sure never thought retirement would be like this.” Basically he thought he would feel better. And then I finished reading this post aloud. And we laughed together.
Yep. And we are ten years older than you plus a year. By the time one thing stops hurting, another starts. Fortunately, many of the things on my bucket list don’t require too much physically. I just have to keep the brain muscles working.
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Yeah, sort of funny, sort of not. I did get my hearing aids checked/maintained/upgraded and things are marginally better. Of all the problems I have with my body and brain, hearing loss *seems* like the least impactful, but in truth, it might be the most. My back might be fully better. I carried a couch out of my house last night with no ill effects… a first in a looong time. The brain muscles are important. I just saw a briefing at work about recognizing the signs of dementia. Something new to worry about.
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