Do you remember the scene? Scrawny Daniel LaRusso, improbably, is kicking ass. He’s leveraging his three months’ karate training to fight toe to toe with Johnny Lawrence, an athletic looking kid with years of karate trophies on his bookcase. Daniel, injured because Johnny cheated (sweep the knee/yes, sensei), balances on one leg, his good leg, … Continue reading Wax On, Wax Off
Author: Jeff Cann
On/Off Button
I wrote about this before, back when this blog was new. My first post here, the last thing I wrote for my book. Hi, I’m Jeff. “Wow, you sure have a lot of problems!” This was my former boss. She spoke with exclamation points. She ticked them off on her fingers: “Vision! Hearing! Tourettes! Face-blindness?” … Continue reading On/Off Button
*Normal* A story of change
“Jeffrey doesn’t like change.” My father said this (in my presence) to my mother as our family contemplated moving to a new state. I must have been twelve or thirteen years old. Prior to this, I was unaware of my aversion to change. Brief aside #1: Please don’t call me Jeffrey. My father is permitted … Continue reading *Normal* A story of change
Tommy & Me at 3:53
Seven, eight, lay them straight. Remember this nursery rhyme? Old-school, maybe no one under fifty-five has heard it. I didn’t until I started kindergarten in 1967. I lived in a progressive household. We laid them straight, gay, crooked or in a circle. Yes, this is the nonsense that ran through my brain at three-thirty this … Continue reading Tommy & Me at 3:53
Words Matter
I mean, ya gotta write about it. They’ll write about it for decades. Centuries? In 2253, second graders will still learn about the day the president told an angry mob to attack the U.S. Capitol. Of course, that won’t happen, humanity will be long gone. Baked and broiled in our ever-heating atmosphere. Only the cockroaches … Continue reading Words Matter
Routine
It’s a simple mechanism, the garage door lock. A spring-loaded bolt pushed through a slot in a metal rail—the rail the garage door rolls along as it’s opened or closed. It’s like a deadbolt on the front door. Binary, locked/unlocked, no gray area. A lever releases the lock. The bolt springs back, unlocking the door. … Continue reading Routine
A Prayer for Something Better
Something small falls out of your mouth and we laugh.A prayer for something better, a prayer for something better. Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot! Seriously, WTAF??! This is my final earworm of 2020. Earworm? A song-clip, running on loop, invading my brain. I don't conjure these up, I don't put in a bid or request them from the … Continue reading A Prayer for Something Better
Chapter Break
It’s so easy to blame it all on the deep state. Or my doctor; or the universe. Myself? Someone’s to blame dammit. This can’t all be a coincidence. I’ve lived for fifty-eight years. Those have been healthy years, mostly. Yes, lots of surgeries, but those can be explained. The bike crash accounts for three of … Continue reading Chapter Break
Christmas Wrapping
Coy and coquette, those words pop into my mind when I remember the song I Know What Boys Like by the Waitresses. A one hit wonder, their claim to fame. A flame, a fizzle. It came out during my second year of college. An instant campus hit, I recall Meagan Heath, pretty, confident, unattainable, but … Continue reading Christmas Wrapping
Concise Book of Muscles
Susan dug out the Concise Book of Muscles this morning. As I limped around the house for the eighth consecutive day making short sucking sounds that mimic air being let out of a tire whenever I stepped wrong, I thought it might be a good idea to try to identify the issue. Last weekend, in … Continue reading Concise Book of Muscles
Dreaming Dark Thoughts
We’re living through dangerous times—I keep reading this. Isolating, lonely, dreaming dark thoughts. Degrading mental health. Well people become depressed, too much time alone, too much time in their heads. Extroverts. I feel for them, I do. Today my company gave me a Panera gift card. The money they would have spent on a holiday … Continue reading Dreaming Dark Thoughts
Viral
I went viral once. Three summers ago, I wrote a post; I’d rate it as fine. Not great, not memorable, the sort of post that two and a half years later, I doubt I would even remember writing. But because it went viral, I remember the circumstances well. In our tiny house in Culebra, Puerto … Continue reading Viral
Old Man Takes a Hit
Mid-day. Not even mid-afternoon, barely past lunch time. I’m done for the day. On the couch, feet up, ice-pack on my thigh, shallow breaths. As a mountain biker, injury is inevitable, part of the sport. I bought my bike fourteen months ago. Eli, one year in at that point, all but addicted, and needing a … Continue reading Old Man Takes a Hit
Disaster is Inevitable
And ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars... Right here on this blog, Halloween night. I wrote of the coming election and the expected aftermath—at least my expectation. A Biden win, a Russian bot-campaign to foment distrust and hate among the American people. A stolen election! Widespread cheating! Elites staffing the polling places, … Continue reading Disaster is Inevitable
Lucky
Do you remember Google's “I’m Feeling Lucky” button? When Google launched in 1998, below the search bar there were two buttons. Both equally prominent, unless you think the right side is more prominent than the left, which I do because I’m right-handed, and then the Lucky button ruled the screen. The other button simply read … Continue reading Lucky
In the Garden of Eden, Baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tfpn3wHoNGA In a gadda da vida, honeyDon't you know that I'm lovin' youIn a gadda da vida, babyDon't you know that I'll always be true… In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, it came out in 1968. I was six. I’d like to postulate that as a precocious, headbanging child, I walked around my house flinging my mane … Continue reading In the Garden of Eden, Baby
B12 – Bingo?
1. There is no acute-appearing finding or abnormal enhancement.2. Mild global atrophy. I think this is good news. I don’t see my neurologist again until February, that’s a long time to wait. What if, instead, my MRI report read “What the hell is that?” Could I hold-out for a February appointment without going crazy? I … Continue reading B12 – Bingo?
Just Desserts
The best thing about eating pie for dinner is you can have another slice for dessert. Thanksgiving morning: Susan turned on the oven. Sophie’s still in bed, but awake. She planned to bake her cinnamon rolls this morning when she woke up. Last week, while facetiming from college, Sophie rattled off a list of treats … Continue reading Just Desserts
Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Click, Click, Click
Rhythms. Complex, repeating. LOUD. Like that Sonic Youth concert at the 9:30 Club back in 2002. So loud, my head spun—possibly the reason I wear hearing aids today. Music accompanies the patterns. Phantom music, it’s not really there, my brain fills it in behind the noise. “Squeeze ---- ball -- ---- ----- to rock.” “WHAT?” … Continue reading Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Click, Click, Click
Headaches
Like a vice tightening on the back of my head. That’s how I describe my headaches. Which headaches? All of them. I get my fair share, maybe a little more. Often enough to pay close attention to them. I know the causes. I know how to fix them. When I was a drinker—not the moderate … Continue reading Headaches
