Like a campy hallucination scene from a cautionary drug-addiction movie, pin-head sized white spiders skitter across my laptop keyboard and screen. But these are real (I think). As genuine as the warm, wafting breezes crossing the main living space of our rental house. And the mosquitoes so engorged they sit on the floor, unable to … Continue reading Paradise
Parenting
-itis
Sometimes, as the week winds down, you just don’t want to do anything. This is where I was sitting on Friday afternoon, more than an hour before the end of my work day. I was tired of work, tired of my office, ready to enjoy some free time. My work: I write all around this … Continue reading -itis
The Hair Wiz
Self-reflection: I’m notoriously cheap. At least when it comes to buying stuff for myself. I’ll wear my clothes to the point of disintegration; dinner leftovers, no matter how unappealing, I throw together and take to work for my lunch (pasta mixed with rice and doused with Cholula?); and paying for a haircut strikes me as equivalent to throwing … Continue reading The Hair Wiz
Christmas Kabobs
A few days ago, Gettysburg Area Middle School served up Christmas dinner. Never mind that it’s a public school, and they should be serving a holiday dinner. We don’t wage war against Christmas here. We have a Christmas tree in the town’s center square. And a nativity scene a dozen yards away. The GAMS band … Continue reading Christmas Kabobs
The Break Down
“Dad, why don’t we call a friend?” Broken down on a country road… after dark… eighteen degrees, windy. Susan took the ‘good’ car, we took the pickup. A 1995 Dodge Dakota. It’s fun to drive around town, but you don’t want to rely on it—on a country road, after dark, when it’s really cold. “Dad, … Continue reading The Break Down
Books
This may not appeal to many readers. I'm scratching an itch that I've felt for years... After years of research, countless focus groups, and intensive analysis of text, I know the answer. These are the best children’s books ever written: Eek-a-boo (Joan Holub) A Fly Went By (Mike McClintock) Horton Hatches the Egg (Dr. Seuss) … Continue reading Books
The Fluoride Treatment
I went to bed hungry last night. No, this isn’t about poverty; it’s about running… and childhood… and football. Last night, Friday night, was the first home football game of the season. Not professional, not college—but high school—the Gettysburg Warriors. I went to the game, but under duress. I consider football to be the least … Continue reading The Fluoride Treatment
Pulling.Them.Off.
I feel like a sausage. Like fatty meat squeezed into a sheath, praying the sides don’t split open. But of course they won't. This is intended. This is supposed to look good. Susan and I are counter-culture. By that I mean we ignore societal norms. Not in a contrived “if it’s popular, I won’t do … Continue reading Pulling.Them.Off.
Worms
“My mom has worms in her butt.” Aw, kids say the darndest things. Fortunately, at least for Susan, this wasn’t my kid. It was my nephew. Announcing a fact about his mom. Worms! Butt! This was old news. Decades old. Said mom, Carolyn, had pinworms when she was a child. Her son, now six, just … Continue reading Worms
Dead Man in the Surf
Down by the ocean it was so dismal Women all standing with shock on their faces Sad description, oh I was just looking for you Desk clerk told me, girl was washed up Was small, an angel with apple blonde hair, now I went looking for you, are you gone, gone? --- Punk/Poet Patti Smith, … Continue reading Dead Man in the Surf
Ring Dings
It was a sandwich rotation. Listed in order of preference: 1) Cream cheese with grape jelly 2) Tuna 3) Bologna and cheese 4) Peanut butter with orange marmalade 5) Underwood Deviled Ham 1968: I was in first grade. Just beginning my long career as a lunch packer, a brown bagger—except I had a Peanuts lunchbox. … Continue reading Ring Dings
Fat Jesus
“Thanks for that image, Jeff. All afternoon I’ve been envisioning a Buddha jiggling and bouncing down a wooded trail.” This is a comment I got on a recent blog post about trail running. In this post, I included the popular Buddhist quote ‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.’ This response surprised me. First off, I … Continue reading Fat Jesus
The Whistle Pig
The Whistle Pig has spoken, winter’s over. Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow this year. In my house, watching Phil’s forecast live on TV is an important annual event. I’m obsessed with Bill Murray’s masterpiece-movie, Groundhog Day. Murray is given the curse – or gift – of living the same day over and over until … Continue reading The Whistle Pig
Hi, I’m Jeff
“Hi, I'm Jeff.” Kathy looks somewhat annoyed: “Hi, I'm Kathy. We’ve known each other for three years.” Kathy has huge hair. A tangled mass, a defining feature. If an artist drew a caricature of Kathy, she would have a tiny face orbited by a universe of hair. On this day, it’s pulled back into a … Continue reading Hi, I’m Jeff
The Other Stuff 