We’re living through dangerous times—I keep reading this. Isolating, lonely, dreaming dark thoughts. Degrading mental health. Well people become depressed, too much time alone, too much time in their heads. Extroverts. I feel for them, I do. Today my company gave me a Panera gift card. The money they would have spent on a holiday … Continue reading Dreaming Dark Thoughts
Depression
Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Click, Click, Click
Rhythms. Complex, repeating. LOUD. Like that Sonic Youth concert at the 9:30 Club back in 2002. So loud, my head spun—possibly the reason I wear hearing aids today. Music accompanies the patterns. Phantom music, it’s not really there, my brain fills it in behind the noise. “Squeeze ---- ball -- ---- ----- to rock.” “WHAT?” … Continue reading Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Click, Click, Click
Guilt
A couple days ago, Joe died from depression. The cause of death will be listed as suicide, but I vehemently disagree. As my mother died, her liver shut down. Slowly her blood became toxic. She became loopy and then disoriented and finally settled into a painful, moaning stupor. And then she died. I never saw … Continue reading Guilt
Waiting for Comcast
Lately I’m seeing some depression slip in. It’s mostly evident in the body oils that leak into my eyes from a lack of showers. The internet died and died again and again and stayed dead. Me, unable to catch my breath or take a deep breath waiting for Comcast to call back. I snapped at … Continue reading Waiting for Comcast
Hello depression, my old friend
I can’t breathe. Well, obviously that isn’t true. I can’t breathe easily. If I don’t keep thinking about it, I hold my breath. Guarded. Awaiting something bad to happen. I just walked home from work. It’s about a mile, a little more. I left work sick. Sick and worried that one of my coworkers would … Continue reading Hello depression, my old friend
Outside my Comfort Zone
Just like that, I’m a spin instructor again. Do you know about spin? It’s an exercise class. Stationary bikes semi-circled around a leader (that’s me). I select the music, choreograph the workout, think of motivating things to say. The part I like most about spin is that anyone—at any fitness level—can participate. A seventy-five-year-old can … Continue reading Outside my Comfort Zone
Un-Disabled
Last night I watched Chicago Hope. It’s a medical drama, I think. This episode was about a hospital, and I assume they’re all about a hospital, so let’s go with calling it a medical drama. In this episode René Auberjonois, the actor who starred as Father Mulcahy on the TV show M*A*S*H, played a surgeon … Continue reading Un-Disabled
Maintenance Mode
I’m in a rut. Those things I do for fun—my hobbies—they aren’t so fun anymore. They used to be, but not recently. Some of my hobbies, it’s been years: no longer enjoyable, but they’re still my hobbies. I haven’t found replacements yet. I haven’t ridden a bicycle this year; I’m a cyclist. It’s what I … Continue reading Maintenance Mode
Educate
Tourette Syndrome (TS or Tourettes) is a neurological disorder characterized by repetitive, stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalizations called tics. God! This topic again? Can you tolerate another blog post about mental health? About Tourette Syndrome? About oddity? About me? It’s TS Awareness Month, therefore I feel the need to hammer you (again) with messages about … Continue reading Educate
Back Burner
I’m finally starting to learn. This is an international blog, a global space. A place for diversity, multi-multiculturalism. I’m too American—United States, American. Therefore, I assume everyone is just like me. A few months ago, a blogger wrote about her hob. “Right,” I asked “What the hell is a hob?” It turns out in Ireland, … Continue reading Back Burner
Renewal
Every so often, I’ll read a post that’s eerily similar to one I recently published. Too similar. They clearly—I think—stole the idea from me. And I say “Heeeyy, uncool. At least give me a shout-out!” I’m stepping into that realm today, and I don’t want to be accused of plagiarism, idea theft, unoriginality. Yesterday morning, … Continue reading Renewal
Cry
A couple of days ago, I picked up a follower with a clever name. Alliterative, self-deprecating, suggesting an outsider’s perspective on the world. Her picture looked like the sort of person I’d relate to. Yes, this is a lot to pick up from a username and avatar. So, I checked out her blog. I’m not … Continue reading Cry
Careful what you wish for
I just went beyond two weeks without posting anything new. What have I been up to? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Bored. That’s the only accurate description. I go to work and then wait for something to happen. I wait for some problem—preferably a crisis—that requires my attention. But it doesn’t happen. Everyone is … Continue reading Careful what you wish for
Stepped Outside the World
Caution, old dude writing. Some of my references are older than my readers. I’ve included links to Wikipedia so you can figure out what the hell I’m talking about. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I’m not sure when it started. Five months ago? Five years? And I’m not sure when it was complete. But by … Continue reading Stepped Outside the World
Below the Surface
Hey Jeff, I didn’t realize there was an exclusivity of using the tag “tourettes”. This is news to me. I won’t be taking up your kind offer to read your post. But thanks! I’ve had only one snarky encounter in WordPress. It was a fight that I picked. That was the response. Like many WordPress … Continue reading Below the Surface
Drugs
Monday morning at 7:00AM: I’m sitting down to write. I’ve read the news, stretched my body, done my part in getting my kids on their school bus, and made myself presentable for work. It’s been a productive morning. Over the weekend, I seamlessly traded off between chores, exercise, reading, errands, volunteer work and spending time … Continue reading Drugs
The Placebo Effect
If I were to rate my days (and that’s exactly the sort of thing I would do) yesterday was a nine. Not a ten because I was at work, and I didn’t go running, but I’ll take my nine. For the past three months, I’ve been scoring fives… or less. Less: After a string of … Continue reading The Placebo Effect
Panic
Jan 2 - Panic. Weighing me down. Tugging at my feet. Pulling me beneath the surface. I’ve been swimming on the edge of a panic attack for twelve hours, so I’ve carved out some time to write about it. Typically, I call these anxiety attacks, but right now what I’m feeling is panicky. My medications … Continue reading Panic
My Day Off
It’s Monday, so I must be depressed. When I was a kid (and by kid, I mean in my twenties) Sunday nights were rock bottom. My weekends went like this: Thursday: at work, a rush of anticipation. Thursday night: always a big party—enter a dance club early, 9:00ish, still mostly empty. Stay until closing, alternating … Continue reading My Day Off
