Today I quit my job.
Well, I haven’t told anyone yet, so: Today I decided to quit my job.
And it isn’t my real job, not the one that supports my family. It’s my hobby-job. My fun job. My job as a spin instructor. The joy is gone.
Tonight was the second week in a row that no one came. I waited until the time for class to start, and then a little more. And then I packed up and left. I was praying that no one would come.
Well, I don’t pray, so I guess I was hoping strongly that no one would come.
The second most embarrassing thing that happens in my life is when no one comes to a spin class. I walk out of the room ten minutes past the start time. The gym patrons all look at me with a knowing smirk: “That guy got shut-out.” (This doesn’t really happen, except in my mind, in which it happens every time). The only thing worse than being shut out is when only one person comes. There I am at the front of the class, music pounding, covered in sweat, in an almost empty room. Shouting out my drills at one person. I want to hide behind my bike.
Someone actually came both weeks. The guy who comes to every class ten-minutes late showed up last week and tonight. How do I know this? I saw him in the locker room this evening as I changed my clothes to go for a run. He was already ten minutes late, and he was still getting dressed. I could have gone back and taught the class. I could tell he wanted me to, but you know, most embarrassing thing in the world. Plus, I’d already quit… in my mind.
I’m not sure how I ever got mixed in as a spin instructor. I hate standing before a group. Public speaking makes me ill. I have anxiety. And social anxiety. Before I started taking Risperidone for my Tourettes, I would have these attacks. I’d double over in the spin room, retching. Not throwing up, just retching. Reacting to stress.
And it’s always stressful. Is anyone going to show up? Are too many people going to show up? Is the class going to be any good? Too hard? Too easy? It’s all too much.
Now it’s over. For the past six years, the anxiety before the class was barely offset by the rush of actually instructing the class. But I’ve stopped having fun. Now I just have stress. I’d rather go for a run.