At my 8th grade lunch table, we compared hands, budding palm readers, one and all. Marcus Pappas blurted out "Cann's and mine look like old lady hands." He had a point—thin and boney—but it irked me that he said this out loud. Marcus died thirty-five years ago while still good looking, except, I suppose, his … Continue reading Windows to my Soul
Anxiety
No Kings!
Read on a sign: You can’t spell HATRED without RED HAT. Following the George Floyd murder in 2020, after conservative America began its backlash against the Black Lives Matter movement, Susan and I joined a protest. A few hundred people, mostly college professors, nonprofit workers and retirees, encircled the Gettysburg town square. We held signs … Continue reading No Kings!
This n’ That
I dreamed I drove a road that disappeared into a puddle and then into a sea. The water lapped the lower edges of my hood before I put my car in reverse. I dreamed I needed Pop Tarts, but a regional shortage made them impossible to find. I went shop to shop but found none. … Continue reading This n’ That
Inside Out 2: A Review, Sort Of
Spoiler alert: This essay reveals (most of the) key plot points in Pixar’s Inside Out 2.Trigger alert: Discussion of panic attacks. We showed up at the theater, just the two of us, gray hair in a sea of blondes, brunettes, blacks and reds. We concealed the boxes of candy purchased at Rite Aid in the … Continue reading Inside Out 2: A Review, Sort Of
Vanishing Act
Did'ja miss me? I'm not sure if I missed you. Two weeks without blogging has been relaxing. As I get farther from my last post, as fewer people visit my site each day, I begin to lose the compulsion to check my stats every hour. But I feel I owe an update. I made an … Continue reading Vanishing Act
Race Day
This is the last post I'm salvaging from undercrust.blogspot.com. There's more there, but honestly nothing I feel compelled to keep. The following post was written when my OCD was still unmedicated. Take a bunch of intrusive thoughts and mix in a healthy dose of situational anxiety--this captures well what went on in my brain in … Continue reading Race Day
Journal Entry: The Meeting
2/23/23: The meeting ends but no one moves. Well, they stand up, but no one heads for the door. The chatter starts. Through my hearing aids, it’s a din, a collage of noise, indecipherable. No one approaches me. I engage no one. I arrange and stack my papers. I glance at my phone. I contemplate … Continue reading Journal Entry: The Meeting
Eight Ways to Improve Your Writing*
Six months ago, my career as a mountain bike coach ended with a sloppy tumble over the handlebars. My coaching stint was on its final lap anyway, this was Eli’s sunset season on the team. Now he’s building his own cadre of riding partners as a budding adult. And I got an extra forty-five days … Continue reading Eight Ways to Improve Your Writing*
The Conversation
Arrrr. This photo is unrelated to the story that follows... “I think I need to see Nicole.” “You’re feeling pretty bad, huh?” Who’s Nicole? She’s the only mental health professional I see. Tourette syndrome, obsessive compulsive disorder, general anxiety disorder, (rarely) depression, social anxiety. I should employ an army of neurologists, psychiatrists and therapists. Instead, … Continue reading The Conversation
I Killed a Crow
Trigger warning: All kinds of disturbing stuff in this one. Early in the process of figuring out who I am, I shared a rental house with two friends from college. I’ve already written about Mike and Andy. Those are stories to tell on a different day. Suffice it to say they are both years-dead—our early-adult … Continue reading I Killed a Crow
Hrurh
I don’t check my pulse; I don’t check my blood pressure. I sit with a tight chest, constricted lungs, rigid, like they might crack if I breathe too deeply. I woke today with a headache. I went to bed last night with the same headache. I made no progress over night. I worried when I … Continue reading Hrurh
These Songs of Freedom
Won't you help to sing these songs of freedom?'Cause all I ever had, redemption songs --Bob Marley and the Wailers, Redemption Song “How about legal stuff? Have you broken any laws?” “You mean besides all the substance abuse we just talked about a minute ago?” From my intake interview at the psychologist office, an hour … Continue reading These Songs of Freedom
Tics. Part 45.
Tics: Involuntary sounds and movements associated with Tourette Syndrome. I admitted to my boss, I’m having trouble. It started with a nasty cold. Not Covid, my doctor tested me twice. The coughing never went away. It’s no longer the chesty, phlegmy cough of my three-week illness, the cough that stirred up mucus in my lungs, … Continue reading Tics. Part 45.
Tourette
Tics: Involuntary movements and vocalizations… I sit at my desk and grit my teeth—first my molars, they squeak with friction, then my eye teeth, left then right. I press outward with my bottom teeth, until I feel movement. When I eat my apple, my jaw locks. It audibly snaps with every bite. I probe the … Continue reading Tourette
Routine
It’s a simple mechanism, the garage door lock. A spring-loaded bolt pushed through a slot in a metal rail—the rail the garage door rolls along as it’s opened or closed. It’s like a deadbolt on the front door. Binary, locked/unlocked, no gray area. A lever releases the lock. The bolt springs back, unlocking the door. … Continue reading Routine
When things aren’t right
This happened before, years ago, mornings just like today, a common occurrence. Over-thinking. A bad night’s sleep. Shaky. Hungover. Dry heaving. Brain-fogged. I don’t miss it. At all. I’ve worked myself into a tizzy. Tizzy (noun): a state of nervous excitement or agitation. Nervous excitement sounds fun. I’m in the agitation camp. I’m worried I’m … Continue reading When things aren’t right
Wilderness
Is it an addiction? An escape? This morning started with promise. Overcast but warm. Eli and I planned to mountain bike after lunch. I drank my coffee and ate Golden Grahams. I kicked back on the couch to read the news with an espresso. About that espresso: Susan has harbored a love/hate relationship with … Continue reading Wilderness
Hello depression, my old friend
I can’t breathe. Well, obviously that isn’t true. I can’t breathe easily. If I don’t keep thinking about it, I hold my breath. Guarded. Awaiting something bad to happen. I just walked home from work. It’s about a mile, a little more. I left work sick. Sick and worried that one of my coworkers would … Continue reading Hello depression, my old friend
Un-Disabled
Last night I watched Chicago Hope. It’s a medical drama, I think. This episode was about a hospital, and I assume they’re all about a hospital, so let’s go with calling it a medical drama. In this episode René Auberjonois, the actor who starred as Father Mulcahy on the TV show M*A*S*H, played a surgeon … Continue reading Un-Disabled
Before & After
Before Are people laughing at my antique laptop? Months ago, as my laptop sat thinking, cursor spinning, trying to open Google Chrome, I finally admitted I needed to buy a new one. I timed it. It took a full minute to wake up the screen and open a browser window. I started pricing laptops. We … Continue reading Before & After
The Other Stuff 