Vanishing Act

/ Jeff Cann

Did’ja miss me? I’m not sure if I missed you. Two weeks without blogging has been relaxing. As I get farther from my last post, as fewer people visit my site each day, I begin to lose the compulsion to check my stats every hour. But I feel I owe an update. I made an announcement, and then I disappeared, vanished. Someone might wonder where I’ve gone.

My last memoir post, Dear Psychiatrist Sam, written over two weeks ago, detailed how I’m shaking up my Tourette medications. Or really I should say: giving up my Tourette medication. The shake-up is I quit taking Risperidone, the antipsychotic meant to reduce my tics, my unintended movements and vocalizations. I didn’t quit in a huff. I didn’t storm out of the room screaming “I’m done with you!” I thought about it. I wrote about it. I consulted my psychiatrist. As I weened myself from the meds, I carefully tracked how I felt.

How do I feel? On my fourth night, awake in bed, I worried that the snowplow didn’t come by my work. I drove across town and checked the property at 2:30 in the morning. I’m not sure what my plan was if they didn’t come, but driving there was the only way I could get back to sleep.

On my sixth night, I ground my teeth so hard, one broke off. Don’t freak out, it was a crown anchored in a canine that had a root canal years ago. I killed a dead tooth. No pain, just a loud snap and a bit of confusion about whatever that lump was rolling around in my mouth. Three procedures will fix it—an extraction, an implant, and a new crown. The surgeon isn’t available until mid-April. When I smile, an empty space shows, like I’m a hillbilly or a homeless dude. I try not to smile.

My anxiety spiked. The antidepressant I began taking back when Risperidone began to cause me depression was suddenly, without Risperidone, too much mood enhancement. I craved calm, not the churning snakes in the pit of my belly trying to escape up my throat, making me retch and gag. I stopped that medicine too.

Without Risperidone, I grunt, I squish my eyes, I twist my tongue around the inside of my mouth and scrape it against my teeth until it’s strained and raw and stings when I eat. I did those things before, but at a fraction of what I’m doing now.

Susan googled “Ways to reduce tics?” No surprises here, I’m on day-two of eliminating caffeine from my diet. The connection between my caffeine intake and my tics is obvious—more caffeine, more tics. And my caffeine intake is heavy. I drink two large mugs of stovetop espresso every morning. Yesterday and today, I switched to half-decaffeinated. And yes, I feel quite a bit better.

Lastly, my double-vision returned. Is this even related? A few days after I quit the Risperidone, it started. First in the evening, while I read Stephen King’s Holly—the sentences jumped and jumbled and lay on top of one another. I’m good for about thirty minutes of pleasure reading each night. Then it happened at work as I tried to digest boring legal documents about elevator service contracts and our digital phone upgrade. I closed one eye to get through the worst stretch.

For the past two days, I’ve woken up with double vision, which is most concerning, since it’s historically only a problem as my eyes tire out during the day. Yesterday I went back to bed and woke up clear-visioned two hours later. Today, the problem persists and makes me worry about seeing later in the day.

Do I sound a little out of control? I feel that way. I keep trying to remind myself that this is all temporary. If my tics are too disruptive, if my caffeine reduction doesn’t help, there are a dozen other medications for me to try. Returning to Risperidone as a fallback is even an option. I just need to get through the process of eliminating medications and starting new ones in an orderly fashion so I know which change is causing what side effect.

So that’s what I’m up to. I suspect I’ll write more frequently than fortnightly, but I have little patience for the promises I read weekly on WordPress: “Sorry, I haven’t posted in three months, but I’ll post something every Monday and Thursday from now on…” I’ll spare you from promises I might not keep.

Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

29 thoughts on “Vanishing Act”

  5. Jeff- I read your post like an anxious addict waiting for a fix. I genuinely want to hear how you’re doing. But, I’m also curious what the drug risperidone is like. You see my daughter takes it and she is non-verbal, so I can’t ask her how she feels, about risperidone or anything. I realized your experience is yours, not hers, but I’m still hooked on knowing what’s it like for you. Her neurologist always reminds me to make one change at a time, that way you know if something is working or not. But without really knowing I’m forever second guessing. You’re strong and handle a lot and your vulnerable shares bring me back here every time. Keep sharing if you feel called, your writing is very moving.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • On the tourette facebook group I belong to everyone hates risperidone. People think it loops them out. My experience with it was excellent. I always felt calm and relaxed. I Slept great. The only issue was the communication thing and that was subtle. But I just got off the phone with my brother and we had the best conversation we’ve had in years.

      Like

      Reply

  7. Hang in there, Jeff. I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing this stuff. I had tics as a kid–mainly some facial tics, but also some shoulder-shrugging tics. I tried to control them in public but wasn’t always successful (what kid is?). One notable experience concerned my “bunny nose” tic when I was 12. I was pitching in a Little League game in a neighboring town, and during the game I noticed people in the stands were laughing but I had no idea why. After the game, my mom said it was because of my “bunny nose” tic, where I kept scrunching up my nose like a freaking rabbit. That hit me hard, and I redoubled my efforts to hide my tics after that. Now, decades later, I still have some occasional tics, but nothing like I had as a kid, and never in public (I’m a recluse anyway, so yeah…). I can understand to a small degree what you might be going through. I hope things smooth out for you soon. Best of luck as you explore your options. And yes, it’s good to see you post again. Welcome back! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • For whatever reason, I had almost no laughing, mimicking or ridicule. I have had some concerned looks though. For years, I was pretty good at hiding my tics. The pandemic changed that. With zoom meetings, I could never count on people looking somewhere else. That seems to have broken a barrier. Now I can’t stop myself from ticcing, especially without meds.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  8. I was thinking about you the other day wondering how you were doing since you went off your medicine. Sorry things aren’t going that well, I was truly hoping for a better update from you. Not sure if I mentioned it or not but I recently went off my ocd medication and had a few problems a long the way. I was hoping you had more success than I did, even though we are on different meds. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending well wishes your way Jeff. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Well one positive thing I can say about all of this is that except for my late night run into town, I haven’t had any obvious OCD events. That was one of the things I worried about most. My tics mostly impact me, OCD impacts others.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. I was missing your posts. They are always different from the other things I read and leave me thinking. I’ve made a lot of promises on WordPress too so bravo not. Good luck with the meds and I hope you continue to post.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Thanks Neil. It makes me happy and proud that you recognize my posts as unique. As much as I’d like to set blogging goals for myself, I’m sure they would have the opposite effect and psyche me out of writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  11. Whew. Yes, I missed you but figured it was something like this. Though it’s worse than I imagined. I’m not happy about it but I find it enormously interesting since I’ve no experience with Tourette’s. You’ve reminded me many times how writers need to write. Keep writing. We need it. You need it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Thanks Regan. I’ve got appointments scheduled for my tooth and vision and with less caffeine, my tics are settling down a little. Things feel far more manageable today than they did when I wrote this.

      Like

      Reply

    • I always envision you reading these posts and thinking, “Oh, Jeff, your problems are so minor compared to most of my patients…”. So far, it feels I’ve made the right decision re: the risperidone. I seem to have more clarity. I am a little worried about having to deal with complaints at work over tics. I’ve never had that before. Does Canada have something like the ADA?

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • I don’t know, to be honest. I imagine we do…But definitely not minor. A lot of the people I see in my clinic is in regard to tweaking medications, and finding something that works without giving them a million side effects. Our system and way of treating people is so limited and flawed, but it’s all we’ve got. Hopefully you’ve not gotten any complaints! (It would be kind of ridiculous if you did imo)…

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  14. thanks for the update – I know what it’s like to take a break from blogging 🙂

    I hope the saying “no pain, no gain” comes true for you. I admire your willingness to try something different, despite the setbacks…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment