Do Not Reply (Satire)

Jeff Cann <>

Time: December 16, 2017 at 2:26 pm
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Name: Melissa Marks

Hi Jeff,

I’ve been reading your blog for nine months now, and I have to say, receiving your posts are the highlight of my week. I feel closer to you than most of the people I know in person. I swear, sometimes I feel like you’re talking directly to me. This may seem a little forward, but I’m going to be passing through Gettysburg on December 28th on my way to Pittsburgh to visit my old college roommate, and I was hoping we could get together for coffee (I know how much you love coffee, “Caffeinated” is my third favorite post LOL). Sure, I think there is always a risk meeting someone you only know online, but in this case, I’m not worried. We’re practically the same person.

Who am I? I’m sure you know my name—lifeisstrangeblog. I “like” every single one of your blog-posts the second you publish them. I don’t even need to read them to know I’m going to love them. I just hit “like” as soon as they show up on my phone. I wish I could “like” them again (you know, “really like” LOL) after I read them, but I can’t. I once sent a suggestion to WordPress asking for the ability to rate “likes” on a scale of 1 – 10. That way, I can tell the bloggers I follow: pretty good, really good or great. But they never wrote me back. Yours would always be a 10 (except for “Field of Screams” that one was just weird).

When we get together, I’d love to give you a copy of my manuscript. It’s a series of short stories all taking place in the ‘20s. My main character is a flapper who spends her nights partying at speakeasies and her days working for the FBI under the guise of a soup kitchen manager feeding the homeless. Each story has its own dilemma and moral, and taken all together, I think it works as historical fiction. I know you’re going to love it. It would mean so much to me if you’d write some praise for the back cover.

One other favor I’d like to ask: I checked into hotel rates in Gettysburg, and for a small town, the hotels there are really expensive. Would it be OK if I spent the night on your couch? I know that we’ll talk for hours, and by the time we’re done, it will be too late to hoof-it the rest of the way to Pittsburgh. Of course, I’d bring a hostess gift for Susan and some sort of treat for Eli and Sophie. I know those three so well, sometimes I feel like they are part of my family LOL. I’d be up and out so early, you wouldn’t even know I was there.

Write me back soon! I need to know if I should do one more edit on my manuscript. I want it to be in it’s best form when you read it. In the meantime, I do hope your holiday prep goes well, and I wish you a Happy “Solstice + 4” (yes, I read your book… twice).

Saying “Love” here might get me in trouble with Susan LOL, so I’ll sign off with:

With great fondness and respect,

Melissa XOXO (Lifesisstrangeblog)

30 thoughts on “Do Not Reply (Satire)

  1. Haha. Wait, what’s a “flapper”? **googles flapper** Oh. Well now I’m just sad I didn’t know about them and sad I didn’t put one in my short story that I wrote that takes place in the 20s.


  2. Happy that this is satire. When I first read it, my reaction was “Can you say boundary violation”. Its amazing how quickly the accelerating requests, from a reasonable inquiry. “gonna be in your neighborhood, want to have coffee”–in my opinion, I would be free to say yea or nay, end of story. To the over the top requests. Boy do I react there–tells something about me.
    Well done! As we joke at my house: Made ya look!
    Seems you found something to write about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • When I first posted this, I didn’t identify it as satire. For about six hours people were reading it and not liking it or commenting… silence. When I added “Satire” to the title, people commented that they wondered why I would post something so personal. I need to be careful when writing fiction. No one seems to expect it from me. Thanks for continuing to read. It’s nice to have a friend across the ocean.


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