I pull open the heavy glass door releasing a cacophony of voices and blaring music. None of this is right. Antica Napoli, my favorite pizza shop is a store-front joint with eight booths. It’s calm and quiet. Typically two, maybe three booths host a couple of people, usually senior citizens. One booth is set up as a permanent box-folding station. The quiet always surprises me. Located a block from Gettysburg College, I always wonder where the students are. Fraternity and sorority shirts line the wall above the soda machine, gifted by students, inviting Ignazio, the owner, as an honorary member. I rarely see a college crowd here. Maybe I come too early. When I was in college, pizza was a late-night treat. Maybe all their business is carryout. Mine is, since Covid.
This night though, college kids pack the booths, their voices competing with one another and the blasting music. It’s a Jam song, A Town Called Malice—an upbeat tune at complete odds with its dire, dead-end lyrics describing stalled, working-class lives. The music strikes me as strange. I don’t recall hearing music here before, and certainly not at party volume. I’m happy it’s a song I love, but it doesn’t seem like the sort of song Iggy would have on his radar. The restaurant’s vibe doesn’t match the environment I just left—reclined on a sofa, buried under a blanket, reading the news. I find it annoying and overwhelming. I just want to grab my pizzas and leave.
I approach the register, surprised to find a child. I guess it’s one of Iggy’s kids, but I thought they were much younger. Still, this boy seems too young to work, and he’s blonde. Iggy’s hair is dark as coal. When Eli got his first job at fifteen, I suppose the people walking into his shop felt the same way. Huh, he’s just a kid.
“HEY,” I shout, “PICKING UP TWO MEDIUM PIZZAS FOR JEFF.”
“Zubba zubba zubba zubba.”
“WHAT’S THAT? I turn my right ear, my better ear, towards to boy hoping to catch what he says. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE NOISE.”
“LET ME CHECK.”
The table behind me, rowdy a minute ago, quiets down. I look over my shoulder, a couple of the guys at the table watch me.
The boy returns. “Zubba zubba.” I give a confused look. “FIVE MINUTES,” he yells. I pay for my order and grab a chair at the only empty table.
Settling in, I pull out my phone. As the screen comes to life, Spotify appears. The song that’s playing is A Town Called Malice. It’s being wirelessly transmitted into my hearing aids. I listen to music this way all the time. As I stare at my phone, embarrassment rushes my brain. I rethink my exchange at the register a moment ago and my cheeks warm.
A few minutes later, the boy brings out my pies. I thank him at an appropriate volume and push my way out the door. Back in my car, I wonder for the thousandth time what the hell my problem is.
~ ~ ~
This is one of countless incidents over the past several years where I feel like my brain let me down. I attribute these episodes, without proof, to the medication for Tourette Syndrome I just stopped taking a couple of months ago.
Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash
The Other Stuff 
I don’t know Jeff, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I had to scroll back up and reread because I wasn’t sure why you were embarrassed. I get that you are frustrated, totally understandable. But I think letting it go to some extent might help you. Wishing you peace and light.
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Thanks Biz. For me, for a while, I just seemed so confused and clueless all the time. This seems to have largely resolved itself since going off my medication. I could be making the whole thing up, but I honestly feel sharper. I do think the story is a funny one, I see the humor in it, but it scared me a bit all the same. I told my daughter yesterday and she fell over laughing.
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I thought about embarrassment whilst driving to Halls Gap today. Saying something inappropriate because I misread the room might embarrass me most because I don’t like to look like a fool.
Being able to revoke that embarrassment because I see and understand the context for what happened seems an important skill. I still need to work on that.
Re what you describe, the context is readily understandable, so there is no shame in that.
Interestingly some people are shameless and seem to suffer no embarrassment. I for one am not aiming to join them.
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I don’t wish to join those shameless people either, but think how easy life would be if we did. You just blunder your way along without worrying about consequences. Sounds peaceful.
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You capture a momentary experience and reveal its significance so skillfully here. And that particular experience resonates with many of us who worry about how we are perceived by others, and how accurately we are perceiving our environments. Thank you for writing this. You made my Friday.
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Thank you Georgia. You’re so nice to me. I thought about trying to write this about 8 months ago, and I didn’t think I could convey the story clearly, so this may represent a general improvement in my writing ability. At least that’s what I’m telling myself 🙂
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Someone asked me today if I would prefer a theme tune or a soundtrack. I guess your soundtrack caught up with you today. Good song though.
I think embarrassment sometimes is what keeps people humble and grounded.
I find myself groaning as I stand sometimes, my younger colleagues unison have taken to asking “you okay old man” it’s all catching up.
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Yes, I think I rely on my soundtrack too often, like when walking through the grocery store or walking into my work building in the morning. Because my ‘headphones’ are hearing aids, it’s absolutely invisible to people that I’m listening to music instead of interacting with the world. I guess that your coworkers say that to you, but I’m sure at times it can feel hurtful. I often wonder what my coworkers think of me. I still feel like I’m in my forties, but I’m sure most of them see an old man marking time until retirement.
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Nothing wrong with a soundtrack. I often feel 15 you have matured much more than me.
My coworkers are actually pretty kind. I guess that’s the joys of non-profit worlds.
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Enjoyed this snippet, and felt all cringey and warm right there with you.
Sigh.
But, also remember the f*cks given chart correlated with age, and after 40-50, it should pretty much be at zero.. :p
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My FG trend is way down but a good way from zero. My ability to laugh at myself is way up though. It balances out.
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