Writing to Write

/ Jeff Cann

That time God spoke from the clouds.

In many of the “Rules for Writing” lists on the web, know your audience is number one. I know my audience. I’m writing this for myself.

~ ~ ~

“Hey, where ya been?” That’s what you’re thinking right now, isn’t it? At least in my mind you are. This is my longest stretch without a blog post in years. I wrote A River Runs, thirteen days ago, and then I stepped away. Basking in glory. Or satisfaction. I don’t know, basking in something. Butter? I’ve never felt so positive about my writing before.

Usually, a few days after publishing a story, I get the itch to start writing something new. This didn’t happen. Instead, I waited. I waited for the dozens of likes and scores of comments lavishing me with the praise I thought I deserved. I waited for the Red Sea to part, for the herald angles to sing. I waited for a godly proclamation, a heavenly stamp of approval. “This is my writer with whom I am well pleased.”

Surprise, it never came. Yes, several readers commented on the strength of the story, but lightning never struck. The earth still rotated. I sat and soaked in my chilly bath of disappointment.

You might respond: “Dude, this sounds like a you-problem.” And you’re right. My friend ‘Amy’ and I had a couple of conversations about obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) over the past few weeks. She has it. I had it, or so I like think. I started a new medication for Tourette Syndrome in 2016. My Tourette tics lessened by a bit, but my obsessive thoughts (mostly) disappeared. I immediately felt different, but it took me a while to figure out what changed. I felt awesome, and I didn’t know why. You know what I realized? Life (mostly) without obsessions is relaxing.

Amy is reading a book I wrote while my OCD still flared. I’m unsurprised she finds it relatable. The agitation is palpable. I haven’t read it since I published it, which was immediately prior to starting my medication. I used to think I avoided it because I’ve moved on, grown as a writer. But really, I think I’m afraid to take a close look at the OCD-guy I used to be. I catch glimpses of him more often than I like. Case in point: I sit vigil with WordPress watching for comments that never come.

As a writer, I’ve lucked into a great situation. A website called The Good Men Project publishes one of my stories every Tuesday morning. They trail my blog by two or three weeks. After the excitement of a new post dies out on my blog, it gets a second life on The Good Men Project. And then four days later, they post it again on Medium. Think about that. Every time I write something, it gets published on three different platforms. I obsess over it three separate times.

I don’t get notifications from The Good Men Project or Medium, so I need to actively search for any potential feedback. In my four years on The Good Men Project, I’ve only ever received two comments, and only a handful more on Medium, yet I check those posts a dozen times a day, every day, for a week. I do this every week.

Thankfully, my OCD is (mostly) limited to seeking feedback on my writing. It’s helpful to have my obsessions contained in one place rather than sprawled all over my life. When I can put my objective brain in charge, I know I’m already getting exactly what I want. Someone publishes me weekly! Twice! Plus, I constantly get encouraging comments on my blog. Here are a few from A River Runs:

   — A nice bit of storytelling, Jeff.

   — I just want to read this again and again.

   — One of your best essays.

   — Wow!

Sheesh, what’s my problem, right? This might be the tenth time I’ve written about this exact same topic. But that’s the nature of OCD—looping, rehashing, repeating. Each time, I’m certain it sounds as if I’m simply begging for likes. Leaving that impression embarrasses me. I think what I’m trying to do is convince myself, once again, to be thankful for what I’ve already achieved. My writing hobby, career, whatever it is, has easily surpassed my stretchiest of goals. It’s time to turn my brain off and simply enjoy writing for the sake of writing.

~ ~ ~

A note on OCD: Everyone’s ‘symptoms’ are different. The other day, my father told me about a guy with OCD in his assisted living facility. The man has the as-seen-on-TV compulsion to continually straighten all the chairs in the dining room. I’m completely uninterested in order. The other night before bed, I tried to floss my teeth. Every time I put my fingers in my open mouth to get a good angle with the floss, I retched. I went to bed with unflossed teeth.

Image by DQGGGGE from Pixabay

35 thoughts on “Writing to Write”

  1. I’ve been watching for your next post. So glad to see it!

    I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I see myself in some of what you’ve written. Always driven to achieve; always disappointing myself. At the advice of a friend, I’ve tried to write for the sake of writing. Just to enjoy the process, feast on the words . . . . Sometimes I achieve it, mostly I don’t (there’s that focus on “achievement” again . . . oh well . . . )

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    • I think certain activities appeal to those with OCD (I already know professions do) and writing seems to be one of them. I’ve gotten a lot of ‘me too’ comments on this post, and it doesn’t surprise me at all. The funny thing is, I love the act of writing and I hate all of the obsessing, but it’s still those little hits of praise that have the biggest draw. Write to write. It should be my mantra.

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  3. Sometimes a break from the writing routine is necessary … whatever the reason. Glad you are back at it. Though I realize this post is about you, Jeff, and I appreciate that, I wonder if this process of writing and then waiting for the universe to bestow us with likes and comments makes all of us a little OCD.

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    • Clearly with all the research done on dopamine hits from social media engagement, *something* drives most of us to crave that attention. I blame it on OCD, possibly it’s all more basic than that, but since I’ve got a diagnosis, that’s always where I turn. Like many other disorders, OCD is likely a spectrum, where people without the diagnosis still but up against the behaviors.

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  4. Writing to write is supposed to keep me from overthinking. It’s funny..
    I had this very conversation with my therapist and we talked about expectation and anticipation.. how while both aren’t bad things but can be hindrances. Do I believe that? No. Does it effect my writing… yeah…dang. 😆 As a writer, I always want to know what strikes a chord with readers but don’t dare ask. This post resonates with me. Thanks for writing it.

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    • “I always want to know what strikes a chord with readers” – I think this knowledge is useful, but I’m not sure it would change what I write. I step into some topics which I know have limited appeal, but I get an itch to write them, so I do. The Christian imagery in this post is an example. I expected huge pushback from that, but I didn’t edit it out. Seemingly no one is offended by it yet, but it’s not what I expected.

      I tried to talk with a therapist about the addiction of wordpress once. I felt stupid so I abruptly stopped. I’m not sure non-writers, in general, would get it.

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  5. Perfectly written. I am both a writer and had to learn to simple just write for myself, I also have OCD and know the want to check for likes and feed back as well. A battle I chose to always fight because in the end I’m simply writing for myself and because I need to vent.

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    • There is nothing more gratifying than a writer with OCD telling me this is perfectly written. I really want to capture the impact of that combination (writing/ocd), so thanks. I clicked into your blog and I actually couldn’t figure out how to read the posts. I saw the teaser lines of each, but nothing seemed to be a hyperlink to click on. Am I just being stupid?

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    • I really do savor it. I continually expect to be dropped by GMP because it all seems too good to be true, but they seem to like my writing, and on occasion I go viral there, which is probably what they are looking for.

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    • See response to Bill regarding the platforms.
      My wife continually suggests decoupling the feedback loop from the writing, such as just write and don’t post. I’d get the same insight from what I’m writing without all of the hand wringing. Of course she’s right, but as a writer, I still want to share. If no one read it, I think I would be a sloppy writer.

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  10. Hi, Jeff. Just a brief word for now. I just wanted to let you know that I read and enjoyed this post yesterday; hence I clicked on ‘like’. However, I want to reread it – there is so much I can recognise in myself here, and I wanted to say well done on the courage it must have taken to write it. It’s brilliant. I will be sharing a post, probably tomorrow, saying that I have to take a back seat for a while because of family issues. Basically, I just wanted you to know that although I won’t have time to follow and read everyone I currently do, your blog will be safe with me, and I want to continue to read and converse with you. I hope to read this post again tomorrow and will then leave a more appropriate comment. Please, bear with me ~ Ellie X

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    • Thanks Ellie, Sorry things are so hectic. It’s hard to keep in a routine when visitors are about. I’m struggling with writer’s block right now. I just spent twenty minutes writing about my day. All I did was cut the lawn and watch soccer. No one wants to read that.

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      • Thank you, Jeff. It isn’t easy to concentrate and, as you say, stick to a regular routine when there are often people about in our lives.

        Writer’s block is a real pain, isn’t it? I read your post yesterday and felt it was beautifully honest and relatable. I want to reread it and will leave you a comment there. I’m sure many people could relate to it. Take heart, Jeff. X

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      • Hi, again, Jeff. Here I am, somewhat later than I intended to be. I’ve reread your post about three times and am intrigued by how alike our thoughts are. Firstly, congratulations on being published on three different platforms – that’s quite some achievement. I’ve got a Medium account, but there’s nothing on it as you have to pay to post stuff on there, and I can’t afford that. I’m quite happy to stick with WordPress on the whole.

        I’d like to say that I write purely for myself, but that would be a lie. I totally get where you’re coming from with the notifications of likes and comments. Although I don’t have OCD, I get obsessed with how often my phone pings, indicating whenever someone likes or comments on my latest blog post. I, too, keep checking, even first thing the following day. So, I think more people do this than would admit to. It’s not something I’m proud of at all, but as you know, I’ve got an addictive personality, and I think I’m addicted to the whole world of WordPress.

        Strangely enough, you mention talking to your therapist about your feelings regarding blogging. I’m still in the queue to see a new therapist, having ended with the last one in January. They reckon it’ll be another couple of months yet – it seems like forever. WP is something I’d like to work on with my new therapist -I often sit here all day, just reading others’ blogs, writing sometimes, if I’m lucky, and commenting on posts I have enjoyed. I don’t know where the time goes. I just know that I get up in the morning, have breakfast on the hop, and then settle down at my laptop. I can still be there till bedtime sometimes. Now, that’s quite a serious addiction in my eyes! I still haven’t plucked up the courage to share the post I mentioned earlier. I think I’m afraid of what the response might be.

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  11. This is a very relatable post and a great read too. I’ve stumbled across your blog through an article on Mitch Teemley’s blog and I’m glad I did. It’s so hard to find blogs of a personal nature that really resonate, if anything I feel as though such blogs find the reader, such is the case here 👍

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    • Thank you G Mc. I was really happy when Mitch selected me as his featured blogger. Quite an honor. I’m glad you stopped by as well. I’ll check out your blog tonight… supposed to be working right now.

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  12. Thanks Jeff, I’m relatively new to getting involved in the blogging community, but there seems to be some great content out there from like minded people 🙂

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  13. what book? I’m reading Fragments, a memoir. Is there another book? Did you read my book? I have to read yours slower than I do my favorite mystery writers. Fragments is so personal that I start talking to you like we’re best friends. At coffee, I have to stop myself from talking about you as if everyone knows you. THAT’S HOW GOOD THE GODDAM WRITING IS, JEFF. I just blogged ’bout writing myself. I’m starting to imitate you.

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    • There is another book called BadAss. It’s a similar format, all previously blogged essays but it’s ALL about running. It’s also not very good. I just took the stories as posted and slapped them into a book. I did 1000 times more editing assembling fragments. I just learned that you have a book when I read your Woodstock post. As a recovered hippy, I’m sure I’ll like it very much. And thank you for those generous words of encouragement. I’ll really need to read fragments at some point. People like it much more than I do in my mind.

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  14. Social media feedback makes everyone a little OCD! I try to take that line from the Four Agreements- don’t take anything personally. It’s hard. Bottom line- I write because I need to write! Thanks for your honesty.

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