“You don’t blink.” This was Dr. Goddard. Over the past forty-minutes he treated me with a blend of distrust and annoyance. Now he suddenly seemed empathetic, maybe even friendly. “How many did you count Susan?”
“Three, maybe four. Not really even blinks though.”
“Right, half blinks. I blinked fifty times over the seventy seconds I timed.”
This epiphany came near the end of a frustrating ophthalmological appointment with an internationally renowned strabismus specialist.
Strabismus? Double vision.
It’s been a life-long problem for me—two surgeries and about thirty pairs of glasses to combat my ever-changing vision. It isn’t the clarity, although that sucks too. My eyes don’t point in the same direction. They are constantly drifting apart.
I hoped my 2023 surgery would give me a two-or-three-year break from this problem. It did when I had last had surgery in 1997. After my recent surgery, after a few months to let my eyes settle down and get used to their new alignment, I got my current pair of glasses. This was late October. By January my double vision kicked in again, primarily when my eyes get tired. Sometimes in the morning, occasionally in the middle of my workday, and every night when I sit down to read or write.
Goddard graciously squeezed me in. Two months rather than his normal six-month wait.
I brought Susan for moral support. I dreaded this appointment for weeks. Ophthalmologists make me feel stupid. “Which is clearer? One? Two? Again. One? Two? C’mon, one of them has to be better. One? Two?”
Because my double vision is intermittent and usually only an issue at night, he seemed to doubt my concern. “Is this better or worse?”
“Um, I can’t tell. I don’t have double vision right now.” He scoffed and shook his head. I looked over at Susan and tried to telepathically beam my thoughts into her brain: See what I mean, he thinks I’m an idiot.
I’ve been through appointments like this countless times. There are plenty of ways to diagnose and correct double vision without me weighing in on what I’m seeing.
“Your eyes have shifted a bit since we made these glasses, but not enough to cause the symptoms you’re describing. Cover your ears, I want to talk to your wife privately.”
Yes, please do that, I thought, I want you to convince her I’m losing my mind.
Goddard asked me to read aloud from a piece of paper. This terrifies me. Years ago, in a staff meeting, I needed to read a description of my Meyers-Briggs assessment to the rest of the management team. Because of my double vision, the words jumbled. I read in a stumbling, halting voice, sounding very much like a fourth grader struggling through a challenging reading assignment.
Dr. Goddard and Susan both sat right in front of me to watch me read, adding to my discomfort. It went well though. I only got tripped up by a couple of random thees and thous in the Olde English passage. That’s when they brought up the blinking thing.
“Your eyes are drying out because you rarely blink when you read. This will cause the double vision symptoms you’re experiencing.” He prescribed over-the-counter eye drops and encouraged me to try to blink more frequently.
I’m skeptical. I’ve suffered from strabismus for thirty years. It seems too coincidental that after I got my vision surgically repaired, I developed intermittent double vision because my eyes are simply dry. Still, the eye drops do appear to help.
After the appointment, Susan assured me that Goddard wasn’t frustrated by me. “He was just puzzled by what he was learning.” I think Goddard summed things up nicely in his appointment notes. If these measures don’t work, I can certainly see him back, but I don’t have any other new ideas to offer at this time.
Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels
The Other Stuff 
I know it’s been said a quadrillion times, but we need something other than the effing “like” button. Perhaps something like “Just letting you know that someone read your words and sympathizes with your frustrations”. Of course, even that is insufficient, so…
Hang in there, man, and keep on posting. You are one of the very few authentic voices out there and we need you. Cheers!
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Thanks Frank. Yeah, a blogging friend has been writing about her possible cancer diagnosis and I’m clicking Like, Like, Like. How hard would it be to add a couple of alternative emojis?
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hoping the drops work miracles!
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Thanks. Seems a little unlikely, right?
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It would be nice if the drops work. Is there any point in doing ‘mindful blinking’?
(I mean consciously trying to blink regularly).
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I do try. I’m sure I’m blinking more. Maybe it will become a habit. My doctor didn’t seem to have much hope for that.
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Proving a doctor to be wrong would probably motivate my wife to do it, but yes, a difficult habit to install and make instinctive.
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Your concise way of conveying your message in this is brilliant. For instance, “Strabismus? Double vision.” I would have invested many more words to say the same thing. The way you delivered that information establishes a kind of bond of understanding between you and your reader. A kind of trust. That’s so admirable. I always learn something about good writing from reading your posts.
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Ah, miserliness with words is one of the few benefits of being mostly nonverbal. Your comment has me walking on air.
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Ha. Goddard’s notes sound like my clinical notes some days. I feel like the writing thing just helps me sound more educated when I say “I don’t know”. Worth a go though, and I do so hope the drops are helpful. Love that he recruited your wife to count eyeblinks. It’s really hard to count eyeblinks when people are talking to you. I know because I’ve tried..
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His eyedrop suggestion seems to work some. And just the knowledge that when things are getting bad, just blink. I’m sure it’s fairly annoying when a patient comes with confusing symptoms. This guy is 80 y.o. I think he has earned the right to some impatience.
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Fingers crossed that his simple suggestion helps. There are opthalmologists that specialize in dry eyes. I wonder if one of those would have any more ideas in that direction.
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Yes possibly. When my Tourette symptoms first started (eye tics) I was mistakenly diagnosed with dry eyes. They plugged the tear ducts exiting my eyes so I would retain my tears. That was a really long time ago. I wonder if they still do that.
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I hate going to the ophthalmologist. I know what you mean about deciding which slide is clearer, one or two, and can I see a red dot or a green line? I have cataracts in both eyes; one is further advanced, or ‘ripe’ as they call them, than the other, making everything look blurry. My right eye is worse than my left 👀, and I now need two pairs of glasses, one pair of varifocals, which are meant to do everything, and now one pair of stronger magnifying glasses for reading and laptop screens. The ophthalmologist kindly reminds me. “it’s age, dear,” which I don’t appreciate.
I can appreciate your reluctance to go to your appointment with Dr Goddard. I can only imagine your frustration with your eyes being out of focus, pointing in different directions, and then being told all you need are dry eye drops. However, I’m glad that Dr Goddard’s solution is proving somewhat successful. I’m glad you’re slightly more aware of blinking, if that’s helping, too. Having Susan attend your appointment was a good idea – we can always use a bit of moral support.
When you had your surgeries, were they done under local or general anaesthetic? I’m not sure I want to hear the answer to that (and yet, I do) as I’m incredibly squeamish when it comes to eyes. They’ve told me that cataract surgery is done under local, but they’ll have to catch me first!! I’m hoping they’ll consider my fear and give me a short general anaesthetic. I’ve heard so many, mostly older people, say it’s a piece of cake, but I remain unconvinced.
On a different topic, one of your readers commented that we need more than the effing ‘like’ button. I totally agree. There is sort of one way around that, but you’d have to leave an emoji in the comments as opposed to ‘liking’ or not ‘liking.’ Personally, I’d rather have a ‘like’ even for a grim topic like cancer. I think it shows that people care. The way around it is by using emojis in the comments, which you’ll have noticed I often do.
Firstly, do you have a Windows laptop? If not, I don’t think this will work, so I’ll try and keep the explanation brief. Brief!!? Me!? That’ll be the day. If you press the Windows key (four tiny squares on a slight angle) and the full-stop key at the same time, it brings up a whole bank of emojis. You can then choose whatever you like and it’ll show up in your comments 😊. If you’ve got a Mac or something similar, it might not work, either. Anyway, it’s just a suggestion … you might not even like emojis – many people don’t. So, there you have a useless bit of information from the other side of the planet 🌏.
Take care, Jeff. I hope you and your family are all well and I hope your eye drops continue to help with your vision 👁👁. Much love ~ Ellie X 😘
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MY eye surgeries were done with “Twilight” anesthesia which is less severe and dangerous than general anesthesia. I Had no memory of the procedures but I wasn’t violently iss afterwards as I’ve been with general anesthesia. This is the anesthesia they use for colonoscopies now in the US. Very common here. My dad had eye surgery in his 20s (1950s) and all he got was Novocain. He said that was pretty awful. My windows key doesn’t bring up emojis, just a list of possible programs. Possibly a version or a country discrepancy. I’m not a natural emoji guy anyway. Be well.
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I’ve not heard of ‘Twilight’ anaesthesia over here. I don’t think it’s something we have. It sounds like a good and safer option. When I had my colonoscopy and scan on March the 2nd, I wasn’t given anything. No wonder I found it so traumatic and painful. And – I still haven’t got my results back after a month when they said it would be a maximum wait of two weeks. I’ve been chasing up hospitals, doctors and secretaries today, but have got nowhere.
I feel for your dad just having had Novacain. No wonder it was awful. Dentists over here used to give you that to have a tooth out in the 1960s and early 70s and that was pretty grim, too.
The emojis only come up if you press the Windows key and the full stop at the same time. However, if emojis aren’t your thing, I wouldn’t bother with it. I’m a bit of an emoji fan, although I do try to use them appropriately and usually with people that don’t mind them, either.
Our British Summer Time begins on Easter Sunday this weekend, so the clocks go forward, too. My sister in Australia said their clocks change the following week. I’m hoping for some better weather, although rain is forecast for the next two weeks! Take care of yourself, Jeff X
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